"Is anything too hard for the Lord?" ~Genesis 18:14

A rainbow is God's promise to all of us that he will never again show his wrath by drowning out sin by flood. It is, also, the silver lining after storm. However, this is not the kind of rainbow I decided to name this blog about. The rainbow I am searching, seeking and praying for is the kind that will be handed to me in a blanket just moments after emerging from the womb. That kind of rainbow is what my entire heart and every particle of my being yearns for. I had never heard the term "rainbow baby" until earlier this evening. Although I was unfamiliar with the term...I am all too familiar with the meaning. A "rainbow baby" is a baby born to parents that have endured and fought their way through miscarriages, still births or the death of a living child. The birth of a child is the rainbow in the lives of those afflicted with the loss of what they had hoped and dreamed would have been a long life for their another children.

The death of a child, whether prior to birth or after birth, is a pain that cannot be paralleled by any other trauma. There is nothing I can do to change the fact that I have lost three precious lives to miscarriage. Yet, I can refuse to let the pain harboured by my past that even tinges the present, continue to keep me down at this point I lost a child in 2004, 2006, and again in 2010. The latter miscarriage did a number on my mental state and faith. For almost two years, I wanted nothing more than to roll over and die. I had lost faith that I would ever again know the joy of knowing I had created life or be able to watch in awe as my belly grew. But over the past few months I have somehow once again found the strength to carry on.

After the loss of the first child, I figured it was probably a genetic abnormality. I had faith that when the time was right the baby of my dreams would be conceived. Year after year; miscarriage after miscarriage, that dream slowly wilted. I had little faith that god thought I deserved the joy of motherhood and even less faith in the science of the doctor tat told me he didn't see any reason that I would be unable to conceive. Just as Abraham's Sarah in the Bible laughed, I laughed too. What kind of fool does that doctor take me for?! An even better question, what kind of fool is he to think things are peachy after the loss of three children?!!?

After extensive research on my part and the support and unyielding love of my family I have regained the ability to think clearly. I am not overwhelmed with grief or cynicism now. I am full of faith and hope for the future. I am living with the expectancy of one day expecting again. I've decided to write this blog, as a testament to the trials I have faced and those I have yet to face. But more importantly I am writing this blog because I believe it will give me strength to carry on. Just as I create this blog, I will create life.

Since I have been unable to carry a child to term naturally in the past and I've been unable to conceive since I lost my last child I have decided to look into other options to expand my family. Whether it be something as simple as tracking cycles and recording basal temperatures to Clomid to IVF...I am full of faith one of these options will be the right one for me and my better half. In the days and weeks to come I am going to discuss this in further detail with him and weigh our options. I will also pray and meditate on the issue at hand. I am going to let Gods wisdom speak to me and I will be receptive as possible trying to tune into that "divine frequency" so I will know what God's will for me is. What I will not do is accept failure! I am determined to make a go of this and get to my target destination one way or another. I have no clue who will read this or if anyone at all will read it. But if this blog somehow finds its way onto your computer or iPad screen I hope you can find it in your heart to pray over this matter for me. It will be greatly appreciated and is certainly needed.

I have decided I will continue this blog until the day that rainbow baby of mine turns one year old. I wouldn't want to quit at birth because I'm looking forward to writing the "happy ending" to this chapter of my life... This s by far the darkest chapter to date. Although this chapter has been dismal, difficult and down right painful I am confident the next chapter will be beautiful and worth waiting to live and writing about. It's not going to rectify, live or write itself so happy trails for now my friends. I'll blog an update soon. God bless!