There have been many times in my life, in which, my spirit by all outward appearances appeared to be broken. Heck, on the majority of these occasions, I would have adamantly agreed that indeed my spirit was kaput. Luckily, for you and I, our hearts and souls are resilient! We may think we are "down for the count", but with the strength and conviction of a "jiu jitsu" champion we raise to our feet to fight once again. We are fully able to slip, stumble and fall down flat on our faces!!! WE HAVE ALL BEEN DOWN AND OUT! But the point is to GET BACK UP!!! Even if it hurts, and it usually does hurt, we must not give up...we must continue to FIGHT! FIGHT for our pride! FIGHT for survival! FIGHT for friends and family! FIGHT for our future!

One thing I can say with certainly: life has taught me, at one point or another, we all get hit and hit hard on our life path. Human beings are capable of being refined and evolved but unfortunately we are definitely not capable of anticipating many of those pesky hits life inundates us with. But, we can learn to accept that some things are just out of our control.  But not to worry, my friend!!!! Some of these situations fall into the realm of life-lessons we can either hope to learn from or rectify. One of my many ambitions in life is to be able to discern between the two. Sounds simple, right? In my opinion, this is FAR more complicated than it truly is.

I have struggled many, many times with this fundamental, yet maddening principle. I would be lying through my teeth if I claimed I had mastered this concept. However, I have learned to take life one day at a time and deal with the punches as they roll in... one stiff right hook at a time!!! In hopes, that some day this stumble will evolve into a waltz. What once seemed like a mountain to climb will appear to be an ant hill, in retrospect. A girl can dream, right???

Getting knocked down and somehow getting back up again is at the forefront of my thoughts today. This evening, I have spent time reflecting on where I have been in life and where I am headed in the days, weeks, months and years ahead.  I tend to spend a lot of time soul-searching but today is of special significance to me.  This day last year, I received some news that turned my world upside down. April 22, 2011 changed the fabric of my soul forever. I received a "combo punch" delivered straight to my heart a year ago today. It was the day one of my best friends, Lauren, tragically passed away. She was only twenty-five years old. She was an amazing person: intelligent, amiable, loving, empathetic, sentimental, giving. She was a stunningly beautiful woman on the inside and out.

Lauren had one of those positive, beautiful energies that touched everyone she came into contact with. After leaving her presence, I would always realize that the world was simply a beautiful place simply because she was in it. She renewed my faith in humanity, by just being herself. Friends like her are such a rarity. A priceless gift which should be loved and appreciated in a way that words are not strong enough to convey.When people pass away, it is common for people to sing praises and rewrite history in a fashion that paints an unrealistic picture of the deceased. This is not the situation in this case. She was everything I have described and more. Earth lost an angel the day the Lord called her home.

My sister, Stephanie, called me that evening while I was taking a nap. I answered my Blackberry groggily since the vibrations against my nightstand were enough to startle me out of the beautiful dreams I was engaged in. Stephanie asked, "Did you see the evening news?". I responded by telling her of my restful slumber. She continued to inform me that on her way home from my nieces t-ball practice that she had the car radio on. In my daze, I wondered where is this was going....? The juicy gossip I would have preferred would not come this day. Instead, she told me that Lauren had been in a fatal car crash. Since I had been sleeping up until the time she called, I was convinced I had heard her wrong. I prayed instantly that I had not heard her correctly. I managed to choke out one single word..."WHAT?". She repeated herself and I started to cry. Not silently or softly crying but fierce, sobbing tears. Tears of disbelief and overwhelming grief; all rolled into one.

I managed to get off the phone with my sister somehow. Honestly, I don't remember what was said in the moments after hearing the brutal truth that I was in no way prepared to deal with. I believe I went into shock upon learning about my dear friend. I do remember turning on the next news segment that aired that night praying they would update the story and admit they had made a mistake. After watching the news, I realized I could no longer hope this had not transpired. It had indeed taken place. In the days ahead, there was the typical public wake held before the funeral. The funeral was for family only. As much as I felt I should be there to pay my final respects to my friend, I had actually done so at the wake. The wake had been unbearably painful. I went into a dark place mentally following the wake and remained there, for some time.

The days after the accident are among some of the darkest, abysmal days that I have lived. Learning of the accident sent me on a spiral of self-destruction, denial, regret and unprecedented pain. I had nightmares about her every night. The nightmares were so bad that about ten days into them I simply refused to sleep for several days. My friends and family were quite worried about me. There was nothing I found comforting during this time. I had quit eating and sleeping. The only nourishment my body received was Jagermeister liquor. In the months ahead, I lost thirty pounds (went from 130 to around 100). I begged and pleaded with God to right this obvious wrong. I begged him to take me instead. I would have gladly traded places with her if I could have.

As time slowly passed, I began to realize that this tragedy fell into the category of things I simply could not change and would have to accept... whether I wanted to or not. Eventually I realized, I was dishonoring her memory by falling to pieces. She was the epitome of strength with an unparalleled zest for life. So with that in mind, I decided I would honor her by letting my grief fuel me to make something positive come out of the cataclysmic incident that took her life. It was from the ashes of grief that I decided to live my life to the fullest every single day I had remaining to live. I began doing things I had always wanted to do but had been afraid to do. I started to LIVE again. I dyed my hair hot pink...lol yes, HOT PINK! I packed up all my belongings and moved 900 miles away from Central Kentucky to the Gulf Coast of Florida to start a fresh, new life.

In time, little by little, the grief eased off some. Don't get me wrong....the pain is never going away and honestly I don't want it to. There is a scar on my heart now but it is not a wound and it is a reminder of the love I felt and continue to feel for her. I returned to my normal routines and gained back the thirty pounds that had melted off so easily in the months prior. Out of such a tragic incident, I found a way to make something so awful positive to some extent. Even in death, my friend has taught me what it means to live. Living is not possible without expecting those "below the belt" punches. Now, I expect great things but I also expect tragedy to be a part of my life, too. Although, some innocence was lost it was the catalyst for bringing about a wisdom I hadn't possessed before. For this aspect, I am thankful.

Additionally, in one of the dreams I had after her passing she had came to me. She came to offer the "peace" I had been searching for; yet, had been unable to find. She appeared in my dream that particular night and she told me that I could be at peace. She elaborated by saying that she had seen my babies on the other side. She explained that my babies and her will be there waiting for me in a place that was far more wonderful than I could imagine and that when this life ends for me we will all be reunited. She continued by letting me know the children I never got to lay eyes on were unbelievably beautiful and that my children knew I had done everything in my power to try to ensure their survival on this plane on existence.

That dream changed me. It took such a heavy burden off my soul. I truly believe that her soul did pop in to check on me and tell me what I needed to hear. A lot of people believe dreams are just ramblings of the subconscious. I believe they are that, as well. But, I also believe they can be much much more. This dream gave me the strength I desperately needed to carry on with my life.

The point of all this is we must continue to fight. Even if it seems impossible, we must carry on. We may not understand some of the trials we face now and I'm sure in some cases, we never will. But it is the fact that we live to see another day and learn from our experiences (good or bad) that is of supreme importance! I have learned to apply this lesson to other aspects of my life including but not limited to waiting for my rainbow baby. I hope this post hasn't been completely incoherent. It is fairly difficult for me to place words on such powerful emotions but once again the point is to try our best. Good night, friends!!! Have a Blessed week!